I yam what I yam

[Mary Ann Clark]

I had two ways of starting my reply to this month’s question concerning my ideal self. One answer sounds like a personals ad: My ideal self is a highly intelligent 30-something with a great body, who enjoys candlelight dinners and long walks on the beach . . . while the other is reminiscent of the old Popeye cartoon: I yam what I yam . . .

What keeps me from being the first ideal is the passage of time and the lessons of experience so my Popeye self is more realistic. Although I might wish that I were some how different—younger, better looking, smarter, more empathetic—the truth of the matter is that like Popeye I just am what I am. Although I might be able to polish some of the remaining rough edges I’m pretty much the person I’ve become with very little possibility of making major changes in my physical, emotional or psychological life. Two of the most important things I’ve had to accept during my recent move to a new town and a new lifestyle is I am who I am and other people are who they are and both of us are generally going to act true to ourselves. Wishing or hoping otherwise is a waste of time and emotional effort.

By saying this, I’m not saying I’m perfect or that I’m always happy about the way that I respond in different situations only that by accepting myself and others and expecting that we’ll both respond in the future in the same ways we responded in the past makes life easier for both of us. One of the blessings of living in the type of intentional community I’ve joined is that I can see quite clearly the gifts each person has brought to the community. But each gift is also a limitation. We can’t all be and do everything but by allowing each of us to be ourselves we find ways to give to the whole. I can’t be like any of my neighbors and none of them brings exactly the same talents and abilities that I have. Together we make a stronger community than any of us could ever have done alone.
The psychological view of Santeria says that each of us has a destiny for this lifetime and each has received certain gifts and traits to help us manifest the best of that destiny. These gifts and traits are explained by the archetypes of the Orisha, the deities. By understanding our own and others personalities we are able to flow more smoothly with the forces of our own and others’ destinies. There is only disappointment in expecting an Oshun-identified person to act like an Ogun or an Eleggua to act like an Obatala. Each has their own strengths and weaknesses and each must walk their own path through this world. To expect a rough and tumble Ogun to act with the refinement of an Oshun or a manifestation of the trickster to express the wisdom of the old king is foolish. The goal of the religion is to help everyone manifest the best aspects of their destiny including learning to use the gifts of their personality wisely. Each of us must learn what those are gifts are and learn to how to be most effective based on the strengths and weaknesses inherent in ourselves.

This doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try to manifest the best parts of myself only that I must recognize what those are and not spend inordinate amounts of physical, emotional or psychological effort trying to work against my inherent gifts and talents. I’ve found that I’m happiest when I’m being the best me that I can rather than trying to achieve some ideal self that is at odds with who I “yam.”