Thoughts on the ideal me

[Andrea Leyton-Mange]

When I was a young kid in elementary school, my belongings dominated the lost and found. Jackets, mittens, lunch boxes, homework - if I could carry it, I could lose it. My mother would let me take the bus home with the normal kids, but would be waiting at home every afternoon with her coat and shoes on, ready to take me back to school for whatever I had forgotten there.

Over the years, many of my natural disadvantages have become strengths. I have the memory of a goldfish, so I learned to write everything down and am now very organized. My natural tendency is to be fatalistic, so I've become good at coaxing out the positive in any situation. I expect to be battling other shortcomings for the rest of my life - my persistent fear of failure, my tendency to go to extremes, and reluctance to ask for help. But there are two things we should never get upset about: that which we can control, and that which we cannot.

When I define my ideal self, I don't pay attention to these tendencies, nor other aspects of myself that I can't control. I also don't pay attention to everyday moods, mistakes and regrets either – these are things that I learn from and that become a part of the unique experience and personality that I'm proud of. I am my ideal self when I am in a general state of well-being – when I have the ability to enjoy life and contribute positively to the lives of others, the optimism and drive to forge ahead through challenges and the confidence to recover from disappointments.

Aside from the normal offenders (lack of food and sleep), the biggest determiner of whether I live up to my potential every day is the people I surround myself with. I feel like my ideal self most days now – my family and friends, my boyfriend, even my voice teacher and coach are role models and supportive figures. Even though I consider myself an independent person, some people bring out the best in me and some people don't (I don't think I ever hated myself more than when I was in high school, for instance). For that reason I don't assume that anyone is in full control of whether they live up to their potential – not everyone is lucky enough to have the role models I've had.

I don't have an ideal self as much as specific goals. In addition to working to better myself and conquer my greatest fears, I try on an everyday basis to do the things that make me happy. I try to balance time with my friends and family with time alone, and I try to balance my own interests with those of the greater community. At this stage of my life I'm also working hard to become a better singer. The goals that I will probably always have are to adhere to a moral code, be healthy and happy, never let my fears keep me from making good decisions, and to leave the world having made it a better place than when I came into it.